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The following letter to the editor appeared in my local town’s newspaper on November 28th, 2006. The event the writer is referring to is the annual Christmas Tree lighting that takes place the Friday after Thanksgiving in front of the State House. It’s a big to-do with the governor in attendance and lots of activities for the family and kids. The evening is capped off with a fireworks display.

(Capital City) put forth a beautiful display of fireworks the other night. I can’t understand why the bang that follows each display has to be so loud.

I am no hearing specialist, but I know that 130-plus decibels is not safe for the human ear, and it’s 10 times worse for pets.

It was extremely annoying for me, and I was inside my apartment. I would like to know who regulates the loudness of the displays.

-Ia B. Concerned

Well, Mr. Concerned, I’m not a fireworks expert nor am I all that well versed on explosives in general, but I’m not all that sure that one can regulate the “loudness” of an explosive. Explosives are loud on purpose. Because they’re explosive! DUUHH!!

The letters to the editor that run in the “Capital City Gazette” tend to run along this same kind of asinine theme. Which got me thinking: God forbid we ever have a war fought around these parts! Sincerely God forbid, because war is hell but more because I can just see the letters to the editor now….

“Can’t they take the fighting somewhere else? The booms of the artillery echo over the river and it’s sooooo annoying. Plus the lights of the explosions keeps me awake at night because I can see it through my windows, even with my shades drawn. Why isn’t the city council doing anything about this?”

Meanwhile, Main Street takes a direct hit and there’s a crater the size of four SUV’s making the road completely impassable. If the hole is still there after 24 hours, the letters will be pouring in.  ”How come the city hasn’t fixed this yet? Where’s the road repair crews? Why isn’t the city council doing anything about this?”

Of course, with the war, schools would be closed. “I can’t believe they closed the schools, my kids are driving me up the wall. Why do they have to use the buildings as shelters? Can’t they find someplace else to put these so-called displaced persons? I mean, I’m sorry they’re houses were blown up but whose fault is that? They didn’t have to build them where they built them, directly in the line of fire of artillery shells that somebody may or may not have ever guessed would be fired around here. My God, at least then they kids could be in the schools and not home driving me up the wall. Maybe then I could get back to work, assuming of course the city ever fixes that damn crater on Main Street…”

And of course, no foot soldier would be spared the venomous wrath of letter to the editor writers of Capital City. “They’re trampling my begonias! I fork over good money in taxes to help pay for this military and these John Wayne wannabes are traipsing through my backyard like they own it! What kind of war is this anyway?! Whose side are these soldiers supposed to be on?! Why isn’t the city council doing anything about this?!!”

And finally I figure Mr. Ia B. Concerned would have to chime in…

“We probably can’t do anything about the enemy artillery, other than ask if they could fire their guns more quietly, but is there anyway we can make ours quieter? Although I’m no hearing specialist, the effect on our ears has got to be detrimental. I think the city council should do something about this.”

BaddabingbaddaBOOM!