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Back in March, Ben and Jerry’s ice cream launched a new flavor in honor of the Man of Truthiness himself, Stephen Colbert. With summer now upon us and ice cream eating season in full swing, it was time for me to track down Americone Dream. 

Without counting the super Walmart, “Capital City” boasts five, count ‘em, five supermarkets. And four them are two of the same. I searched three of the five supermarkets and even the local Target, all in vain. None of them carried Stephen Colbert’s Americone Dream. I was contemplating checking all the mom and pop groceries, 7-11’s and gas station marts when I realized I had forgotten about the grocery store in Walmart.

This isn’t hard to forget because, frankly, I try hard to avoid the place. There’s nothing like having to walk ten miles for a package of toliet paper only to have it be rung up by somebody with a facial expression that looked like they used sandpaper on their last trip to the bathroom.

Anyway, I arrived at Walmart and my only obstacle was getting through the front door. I had to make my way through a crowd of very large women wearing very few clothes with a very lot of kids crowded around them, in what apparently was a family reunion or something. The hairy dude wearing the jeans, vest and plethora of tattoos looked like a reject from the Village People. He also looked pretty bored. Anyway, I made it in the door and figured my second obstacle would be trying to find the freezer case for the ice cream. As reward for making it through the front door unscathed, the ice cream case was located fairly close to the entrance. I didn’t have to walk ten miles to get to it.

I figured though, I wouldn’t find the ice cream and as I looked in the case I saw all of the same flavors that I saw at the other stores. Cherry Garcia, Vermonty Python, Chunky Monkey and Everything But The…. (but the what? Kitchen sink? I hope it’s not one with a garbage disposal…eww…)

But then….like that star shining in the night over Bethlehem and leading the wise men to the baby Jesus, I saw him! Staring out at me from behind his frosted covering, one hand holding an ice cream, the other pointing at me and one eye brow precariously raised as if to say “MaryAnne, you have found me…”

Hallejuah!! Man, if I had whipped that door open any harder, I’da broke it. I plucked my carton of ice cream from the freezer case, happily made my way to the checkout line, ignored the chick who looked like she used sandpaper on her last trip to the loo (and esentially was ignoring me as I stood there) went to the next check out, plunked down my two dollars and seventy-three cents and left Walmart grinning. That’s gotta be a world record. Leaving Walmart smiling!

Of course, I had to make my way yet again around the family reunion that was still taking place at the entrance.

But I’m proud to say that I have Stephen Colbert in my freezer!

Um, I mean…I have the ice cream in my freezer, not Stephen himself. Good God, folks don’t go gettin’ the wrong idea! (What would you do-oo-oo for a Klondike Bar?)

Coming up in Part Two: The Taste of Truthiness…