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Man, talk about things coming to a screeching halt.  Stephen Colbert’s bid for the Presidency came to a screeching halt this week when the South Carolina Democrats voted him OFF the ballot. Their reason? He’s not a “viable” candidate.

Compared to who? I ask.

They also were concerned that he would turn such a “serious” thing as the election into a mockery.

Um…are they kidding? The election is already a mockery of itself. I was always under the impression that anyone could run for office, so long as they were over the age of 35 and a US born citizen (qualifications as defined in the Constitution). Now, granted, if you’re a convicted felon you might run into some issues but let’s take a look at what Stephen had to do to try to get on the ballot for both parties in South Carolina to begin with.

First, in order to get on the Democratic ballot, Mr. Colbert had to fork over $2,500 OR get signatures on a petition from 3000 registered Democratic voters in South Carolina. I’m guessing he didn’t get all the signatures in time and thus paid his $2,500 and filed his papers. The Democrats then turned around and said “No thanks.”

Meanwhile, on the Republican side, in order to get on the ballot, Mr. Colbert would have had to fork over $35,000 (that’s thirty-five THOUSAND dollars). There was no option for petition. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200 (unless you plan to give it to the state GOP, which stands for Grand Old Pay-Me!). Facing such a steep price for liberty, Stephen instead said, “No thanks” and did not file for the Republican primary.

Now who’s calling what a mockery here? The extreme difference in filing fees is interesting enough but to then have a group of 16 people (Colbert’s vote was 13-3) make the decision as to whether or not you’re “viable” as a candidate is a joke. “The Hemp Lady” can run for President on a platform of…well…hemp, but Stephen Colbert who has a large audience of young people, many just at the voting age or a little over, could get them fired up about politics and the election. Granted it would be done through humour but how often do we hear about how young people are disinterested in the political process? Colbert could have made it interesting. And fun.

No. Instead he’s told to go home. “Sorry, Stephen, elections are serious shit and we don’t have time for your truthiness.”

I think Stephen should have gone to New Hampshire. If I’m correct it only would have cost him $1000 for each party, and I’m pretty sure after having “The Hemp Lady” and “Granny D” running for President in the past and being on the ballot in NH, Stephen shouldn’t have had any problem getting on the ballot.

Of course, this now is all after he went on Meet the Press two weeks ago and trash talked Iowa and New Hampshire both. In defending South Carolina’s early primary, Stephen said, “I want to put the focus back on South Carolina. I want it to be a permanent thing. I don’t want Iowa and New Hampshire to be the only people in the United States who get to control who is a bellwether state,” he said. “And if Iowa and New Hampshire don’t like that, they can take some of that Iowa corn and stick it right up their Dixville Notch.”

Certainly voters in Iowa and New Hampshire were offended. I was gonna blog about it, post some Man on the Street reaction from Des Moines and Concord, make a big screaming deal about it and demand an apology from Mr. Colbert. But I never got the chance to and now Stephen’s campaign bid is dead in the notch.

Granite justice?

Anyway, no hard feelings, Stephen. Because if it wasn’t bad enough that your presidential bid was shot down, now your show’s on the verge of being shut down!

The impending writer’s strike, the first in nearly 20 years, will take place Monday morning at 3:01 EST. (12:01 PST)…or 4:01 EST if you forget to set your clock back. Unless last minute negotiations can stave off the impending strike over the weekend, come Monday night, shows like The Colbert Report, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Letterman, the Tonight Show, ect… will be shown only in repeats.

Hmmm. I wonder if The Colbert Report will take non-union writers? If anybody from Comedy Central or Viacom is reading this, I hereby submit my resume.

MaryAnne Coltrane
Address available upon request.

Objective: To seek a position of creativity with an entertainment company that’s looking for someone with dedication, pride and quality of work, a unique perspective on topical subjects and current events, a willingness to learn new things and a drive to succeed. Is also just downright weird.

Experience:

October 2006 to Present: Writer for the MaryAnneColtrane.com blog.

July 2006 to Present: Member of Colbert Nation. (Have window decal, “Wriststrong” bracelet and the book I Am America (And So Can You!) for confirmation). I have watched the show since July of ‘06, only missing a few episode due to technical difficulties (VCR tape ran out. Damn!)

2001 to Present: Owner/Managing Editor of DukesofHazzardFanfic.com

1999 to Present: Content Manager/Contributing writer to HazzardNet.com. (Best damn Dukes of Hazzard website on the net!)

1988 to Present: Writer. Have written various subjects and styles including, mysteries, action adventure, comedy, ect. Samples of work are available upon request. Samples of polished work do not exist.

Compensation:

Monetary compensation is negotiable. However, in place of money I will work for three things:

1. My name listed in closing credits
2. Stephen’s autograph on my copy of “I Am America (And So Can You!)”
3. One of Stephen’s neckties. (Yes, only one. I’m not greedy.)

References:
Available upon request. (However, don’t be surprised if nobody returns your call)