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I haven’t caught up with this week’s episodes of the Colbert Report yet, but I saw the news item about Stephen and his facial injury. Colbert hasn’t said what exactly happened but speculation has run the gamut from he got tangled in a Pier 56 brawl (and lost) to smashing watermelons with his head to “practicing for a walk-on role in Cirque du Soleil and overestimating the number of French Canadians my forehead would support.”

But I know what really happened.

Come closer.

Lemme tell you.

Stephen was trying to fly.

No, really. See, Mr. Colbert was driving on a desolate section of New Jersey highway last Saturday and his car broke down. Unbeknownst at the time another driver had a disabled vehicle not far away.

Their paths would cross as Stephen, trying to get to a telephone (because his iPhone wouldn’t work), would come upon this other disabled driver. The driver was an FBI agent and he grumbled something about “damn gubmint equipment…”

Then, out of the sky, came a strange light.

An alien light.

A spaceship.

Panicked, Stephen and the FBI man sought cover in the Federally issued Crown Vic, where the doors locked on their own. Trapped in the car, the two men could do nothing more than watch as this spaceship decended down before them.

The aliens, however, meant no harm. They had a gift that they wished to bestow upon Stephen Colbert. A supersuit, which would grant Stephen access to unearthly powers. Powers to be used to save humanity and fight the good fight with the specially chosen FBI agent.

As if Stephen isn’t doing enough of saving humanity with his television show, now he has a supersuit to go with it.

After delivering the suit, the aliens departed. The Federal agent, sufficiently spooked, took off like a shot once his car started again, leaving Stephen alone in the middle of a desolate section of New Jersey highway carrying the special black box the suit was in. It even had an instruction book….

Which Stephen promptly lost.

But a supersuit! Unearthly powers! Wait a minute…does that mean…?

Yes.

Stephen could fly.

And knowing this, Stephen had to try it out for himself.

He crashed landed a few times, thus the injury to his handsome face. But he’ll get the hang of it in no time. And with help from that specially chosen FBI agent, humanity will be saved.

There’s no doubt as to the potential and possibilities having this suit will bring. The only question that remains is…

Stephen Colbert: Great American Hero? Or…

The Greatest American Hero?

So the “Capital City Gazette” had the following two front page stories in the paper today:

The first: New Grads Arrested On School Roof.

Two recent grads of the local highschool were caught breaking into the middle school. One of them apparently urinated in one of the classrooms.  The other stole a flag. Both had apparently been drinking.

The second, situated right next to the first one:  Wall St. Execs Face Charges in Credit Crisis, Two from Bear Sterns Handcuffed, Arrested.

I think that’s pretty self explanitory. Two hedge fund managers are being charged, criminally, with fraud in relation to the funds they managed that collapsed in the wake of the subprime mortgage fiasco.  They misled investors, saying everything was rosey, when they knew otherwise. They even made sure to pull their own money out of the funds before the collapse.

Somewhere in my deviously peverted mind, I found this amusing. Two schmucks who probably barely squeaked by to graduate are off to a great start in life. Meanwhile, two schmucks who probably barely squeaked out their own money from those hedge funds before they collapsed are off to a great finish in life.  In a sense, the two Wall St. execs pee’d on the other investors and stole their flag too.

Congratulations fellas.