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I’ve got it. Really. I’ve figured out how to win, once and for all, the War on Terror.

Yeah, I know, we’re not calling it that anymore but until the new term comes into vogue I’m gonna have to settle for that. Beats the hell out of saying “War Against Enemies of America Who Hate Us Because We’re Fat, Dumb and Happy.”

At least, we used to be. Damn economic crisis.

Anyway. Here’s how we win the fight…

First of all, it involves no military offense or deployment of troops or weapons. The only thing we’ll need is some planes from the Air Force to make some drops in various strategic locations.

And what are dropping you ask?

No, not bombs.

Nope, not even leaflets.

We’re gonna drop items packaged in that damn stiff plastic crap that’s used to deter theft of products but that you nearly take off your fingers or your whole *&%$! hand with when you try to open them.

You know the stuff. Certainly you’ve bought something lately that’s wrapped tighter than Fort Knox and requires more patience to break into that anything devised in the Da Vinci Code and National Treasure combined haven’t you?

Sure you have. You cut into with your scissors and then try to “rip” the plastic open but it doesn’t rip very well, so you try to cut it with the scissors but it’s pretty stiff plastic and it’ll bend but it won’t break. You end up with pieces of plastic sharp enough to cut the toughest steak you’ve ever eaten. Then you notice there’s little buttons around the edge so you think if you can unsnap the buttons the package will open. But all you end up doing is losing a fingernail on one hand and a couple of fingers on the other.

See where I’m going with this?

I figure to make the packages tempting to open, of course, we’d have to label them with something tantalizing, like “US Nuclear Secrets” or “CENTCOM Top Secret Information and Battle Readiness” or “Mini Nuclear Warhead” or “How to Figure Out WTF is Going on With the Storyline of LOST.”

It’ll be brilliant! Imagine hundreds, if not thousands, of terrorists pissin’ and moanin’ about trying to open these damn packages. It would be the most demoralizing thing that could happen to them and they would finally lay down their arms (in some cases literally their limbs) and surrender in the fight.

War’s Over. We Win.

Now…who’s idea was it to package my Medal of Honor in this friggin’ plastic packaging…