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Because women’s magazines just seem to scrape further and further along the bottom of the barrel.

I don’t read them often and the only time I do is when I go to the hair salon (which is only a couple of times a year), as there’s nothing else to read. So recently I’m at the salon and I’m flipping through this magazine called Women First (or maybe it’s First for Women or something) and was essentially bombarded with articles and images that reinforced the outrageous idea of the perfect female figure and essentially told me, directly and indirectly, that I was worthless.

If that wasn’t bad enough, there was ad on the inside cover for a new TV show called Huge premiering on ABC family (June 28th) that centers around an over weight teen being sent to the fat farm for the summer. The photo was of the young woman to star in the show, in a one piece bathing suit looking just a little uncomfortable.

Meanwhile the rest of the magazine was full of women in bikinis showing off fabulous figures all with articles about how they obtained these outrageous proportions. Nice tans, flat stomachs, gorgeous legs with not a single spider vein and all of them tall and lean and beautiful!

A real feel good issue for the start of summer, ya know? Phphtpt. I’m five foot four and … not lean enough for this magazine. But sheesh, y’all. Give it up! Not everybody can look like Kim Kardashian okay???

Even the story about a young up and coming female country singer had her posing in a bikini (in case you missed the cover photo). Then there was a weight loss ad with a “25 year old” woman posing in, what else, a bikini. (She looked just a little bit older than 25 tho’. Trust me. She wasn’t 25. Nonetheless, she looked great but c’mon, don’t lie to me about her age).

There was Kim Kardashian in an ad with some weight loss magic potion or something. And she was wearing…yup, yer catching on, a bikini! Then there was a section showing various female celebrities looking “stressed,” (as in, no make up, sweatpants, t-shirts and baseball caps – you know, looking basically like, um, the rest of us?) and then looking all dolled up (but not necessarily in a bikini, which I was surprised). Then there was a blurb about whatever the magic potion was that helped them get that way, (like, some concoction to put on the face to make the skin appear more even or tan or tight or fake or whatever.)

Then there was the highlight of the whole magazine. How to look good naked! The statistic in the article claims that some 75% of us females want to look better naked.

I must be in that 25 percentile because I don’t give a hoot. I got what I got y’all. It curves a little too much here, it’s a little too flabby there. I’m pale enough to be a geisha girl. Take it or leave it.

Keep in mind, I’m happy with the way I am and I know I look fine the way I am. My gripe is that as a culture and society we women beat the crap out of ourselves (and each other) for any and every little “flaw” these magazines can shine their brightest spotlight on. Belly fat? Boobs too small? Butt too big? Legs too short? Thighs too wide? Face too long? Well, guess what sweetheart? You suck!

Forget that. You wanna talk about nice curves and lean figures? Lemme show my latest issue of my favorite car magazine…