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Because women’s magazines just seem to scrape further and further along the bottom of the barrel.

I don’t read them often and the only time I do is when I go to the hair salon (which is only a couple of times a year), as there’s nothing else to read. So recently I’m at the salon and I’m flipping through this magazine called Women First (or maybe it’s First for Women or something) and was essentially bombarded with articles and images that reinforced the outrageous idea of the perfect female figure and essentially told me, directly and indirectly, that I was worthless.

If that wasn’t bad enough, there was ad on the inside cover for a new TV show called Huge premiering on ABC family (June 28th) that centers around an over weight teen being sent to the fat farm for the summer. The photo was of the young woman to star in the show, in a one piece bathing suit looking just a little uncomfortable.

Meanwhile the rest of the magazine was full of women in bikinis showing off fabulous figures all with articles about how they obtained these outrageous proportions. Nice tans, flat stomachs, gorgeous legs with not a single spider vein and all of them tall and lean and beautiful!

A real feel good issue for the start of summer, ya know? Phphtpt. I’m five foot four and … not lean enough for this magazine. But sheesh, y’all. Give it up! Not everybody can look like Kim Kardashian okay???

Even the story about a young up and coming female country singer had her posing in a bikini (in case you missed the cover photo). Then there was a weight loss ad with a “25 year old” woman posing in, what else, a bikini. (She looked just a little bit older than 25 tho’. Trust me. She wasn’t 25. Nonetheless, she looked great but c’mon, don’t lie to me about her age).

There was Kim Kardashian in an ad with some weight loss magic potion or something. And she was wearing…yup, yer catching on, a bikini! Then there was a section showing various female celebrities looking “stressed,” (as in, no make up, sweatpants, t-shirts and baseball caps – you know, looking basically like, um, the rest of us?) and then looking all dolled up (but not necessarily in a bikini, which I was surprised). Then there was a blurb about whatever the magic potion was that helped them get that way, (like, some concoction to put on the face to make the skin appear more even or tan or tight or fake or whatever.)

Then there was the highlight of the whole magazine. How to look good naked! The statistic in the article claims that some 75% of us females want to look better naked.

I must be in that 25 percentile because I don’t give a hoot. I got what I got y’all. It curves a little too much here, it’s a little too flabby there. I’m pale enough to be a geisha girl. Take it or leave it.

Keep in mind, I’m happy with the way I am and I know I look fine the way I am. My gripe is that as a culture and society we women beat the crap out of ourselves (and each other) for any and every little “flaw” these magazines can shine their brightest spotlight on. Belly fat? Boobs too small? Butt too big? Legs too short? Thighs too wide? Face too long? Well, guess what sweetheart? You suck!

Forget that. You wanna talk about nice curves and lean figures? Lemme show my latest issue of my favorite car magazine…

Dermot Mulroney to star in “Rockford” update

No. No, no, no, no, no. No. Just no. No way. NO. Absolutely NO!

What did NBC not learn from the Knight Rider remake attempt? Have they not noticed the pattern over the years with all the horrible film “remakes” of classic tv shows? And do they really think Steve Carrell, who was in the failed remake of Get Smart, is going to do anything for this project, more or less get it right?

What part of NO does NBC not understand?

After blowing up late night comedy as we know it, hanging Conan O’Brien out to dry and then loosing a fortune on the Olympics, what, prey tell, does NBC think it’s going to achieve with this Rockford remake?

They’re not.

I predict the show will not last for a full season. And that’s being generous.

As most of you know, James Garner is one of my all time favorite actors. I’m sure Mr. Mulroney is a fine actor, but no one, no one, can replace James Garner as Jim Rockford.

No one.

Recently, I tried to open an online bank account at iGoBanking.com. I went through their application process, gave them every bit of information they could possibly want short of my bra size and was good to go once I could verify my address with them. To do so, I had to mail one of three supporting documents to them: A copy of an electric/gas bill, a copy of a bank statement showing my address or a copy of a land line telephone bill (not a cell phone bill).

Well I couldn’t provide the utility or the phone bill because neither is in my name. My bank statement is an electronic statement and I wondered if they would accept this but it was all I had.  I downloaded the estatement anyway, printed it and mailed it off.

I got an email that it wasn’t acceptable as it did not show my bank’s name or logo on it. (Did I mention it’s an estatement? My bank simply sends out the generic statement that would be printed on statement paper if it were mailed, the statement paper of which has the damn logo on it).

So I called iGoBanking and explained that my statement is an estatement and that I do not currently get statements in the mail. Could I send them an older statement? I was told I could if it was less than 90 days old. My last paper statement was over six months ago.

The woman on the phone, however, asked me to forward my estatment to her to look at, which I did. Half an hour later, I received an email saying my application was declined.

By the way, I was trying to open a CD. I was trying to give THEM money! I could maybe understand if this were a loan application, but where they obviously verified my credit report, I don’t understand what the big deal was. My credit report shows I’ve lived at my current address for a very, very long time.

Ah well, their loss. I have no qualms about taking my business elsewhere, but I can’t believe I’m the only person in this particular situation, where utilities are not in my name and I do a lot of banking online and get a generic estatement. I tried iGoBanking originally because at the time of this writing, they have the highest CD rate in the land. If iGoBanking doesn’t want deposits from customers, then they simply should just drop their rates, not make folks go through loops and then be turned down for something that is really rather insignificant to the deposit application.

I should also note that I’ve opened online accounts, CDs and what have you, through other online financial institutions and never had this issue before.  So it looks like iNoGoBanking with iGoBanking.com!

It’s been awhile since I’ve lambasted my hometown newspaper, known by this blog as the Capital City Gazette (to protect the not so innocent). It’s not for lack of things that have annoyed me with this newspaper. There’s not a week that goes by where I’m not irritated by something, usually in the OpEd page and often in the Letters to the Editor.

I missed my opportunity awhile back to craft some scathing commentary about a letter to the editor where someone was complaining because of the frequency the National Guard helicopters were flying at night. The helicopters in question are part of a medical unit which has since been shipped to Afganistan. Again.  However, nothing I could craft for a response could’ve beaten the response from the National Guard unit itself, an open letter in the paper inviting the letter writer to the sending off ceremony that took place about a week ago. It’s unknown if the person infact went.

But this morning, I found this piece which really took the cake. I’m talking USDA choice stuff here.

And for DA I don’t mean Department of Agriculture. Instead I mean, Dumb Ass.

Here is the letter, as it appeared, with only the names changed to protect the idiots.

As a Hazzard High School student and on behalf of teenagers: Please, let us get some rest.
Adults don’t rise at 6 to start work before 8; they know that sleep is helpful. In the winter months, we wake before the light, all in the name of something that will improve if we get to sleep. Sports can go later (we have lights), homework will get done (if not more efficiently), and everybody will actually be ready for class. If we really are the hope for the future, then let us rest for the occasion.

Sleepy Dozeopedic
Hazzard

First of all, this letter reads slightly incoherent and perhaps the writer really does need some sleep. But the line that just sent me into the stratosphere was, “Adults don’t rise at 6 to start work before 8.”

What? They don’t? Holy crap, what the hell have I been doing wrong all this time?? I’m up at 5:30 to get ready for my job and be there by 8, and I don’t have a long commute. Boy does this kid not have a clue or what? Let’s have a show of hands of all y’all out there who get up early in the morning, say 5:30 or 6am to be to work by 8am because you have, perhaps, an hour commute? Yup…wow, lookit at all the hands…

I’ve heard often over the years about how teenagers need more sleep. This was true when I was a teen. But I went to bed early because, unfortunately, I had to haul my ass out of bed at 5:30 in the morning to get in line for the bathroom which three other people had to use as well and be out of the house by 7 to catch the bus (school started at 7:45am). I guess this kid either lives right next door to his school or he just rolls out of bed and jumps on the bus or he doesn’t have to worry about catching a bus. Perhaps his house has more than one bathroom as well. Maybe his parents don’t work at all.

If the young people are really the hope for the future, this kid should just go back to bed and stay there because he certainly doesn’t make me hopeful.

Alas, it’s been awhile since my last blog post. I’ve been busy working on a story, which I’m currently suffering writer’s block on, and haven’t paid much attention to the news or the world. Which is just as well. Since I’ve taken a brief respite from my latest fic, I’ve discovered 1) I haven’t missed much and 2) most of what’s going on out there still pisses me off.

Which makes for great blog fodder but there just isn’t enough hours in the day to write up scathing commentary about All That Annoys Me.

So I present a condensed version for y’all.

Top Ten News, Sports and Culture Items That Currently Annoy Me.

1. Michael Jackson. His doctors. The pills. The family. The kids. For crying out loud! The man is dead (but not buried yet?!?!?). Will y’all please just leave him the hell alone?!

2. Brett Farve. Please, Brett, just shut the hell up.

3. Jon and Kate. Who the *#$*%! are these people?! And should I care?

4. The Health Care Debate. Guns at town hall meetings? Shouting and disruptions? Nazi-inspired comments? And this is all over health care?!

5. Ben Bernanke Speaks, Stocks Jump 100 Points. Please, Ben, DON’T shut the hell up. Just do us all a favor and be right about what you’re saying…

6. MySpace. Facebook. Twitter. Social Networks. The Internet as a Whole. I dunno about you, but I’m overwhelmed by the internet nowadays. Facebook scared the hell out of me when I discovered all my friends from high school are on it but all they do is play games and apps. MySpace has become the same way. Twitter I can’t decipher some folks’ posts. Doesn’t anybody speak to anyone anymore? And in English?

7. H1N1 Virus. Triple E. West Nile. Bubonic Plague. Well, that’s it, we’re all gonna DIE!!

8. Global Warming. Changes in Weather. See #7

9. Cash For Clunkers. Some people are buying Hummers with this program?!?!

10. Making Home Affordable. New Truth-in-Lending Regs. New RESPA and HUD requirements. Translation: How to Make Your Banking Career A Living Hell!!

Well, folks, there you have it. Man, I’ve gotta git back to working on that story so I can shut the world out again…